Recently my husband and I took a short trip to a larger city. It’s been a while since we left a sprawling metro area. And now we remember some of the reasons why. Though we do miss some big city perks like fancy museums, Trader Joe’s, Whole Paycheck Foods, IKEA, zoos, etc, what we do not miss is being looked at like “breeders“. By looked at I mean, actually stared at with mean and ugly faces occasionally accompanied by rude comments and heavy sighing.
I’m not going to get into the debate about how many children one should or should not have. That’s way too serious for this blog! You can use Google to find those sites and discussions if you are so inclined. Rather, I thought I would share a few of my favorite comebacks when confronted with the usual, “You have FIVE children!” And by the way, if you just happen to be a realtor and you WANT to sell a house to a family with lots of kids, don’t say that phrase with disgust. It causes an equal reaction on the parents part. You know, the people who will buy the house which culminates in you receiving a paycheck. Yes, I’m feeling a little feisty this morning! 
Here are some of my favorites…
- “Wow! You’ve got your hands full!”
I need a good comeback to this one. I’ve tried the looking at my empty hands. I’ve tried saying I have a full heart. I need something better… - “There’s a way to fix that you know.”
Why would we need to fix something that’s clearly not broken. - “You know where babies come from right?” and “You know what causes that right?”
Yes I do, don’t you? - “I’m glad it’s you and not me!”
My kids are glad it’s me and not you too! - “Are they ALL yours?” (where to begin – there are so many wonderful things to say to this one)
I like to look at them thoughtfully, maybe even count them, then say “Yes. I think so.”
“No, I don’t recognize that one.”
“No, the others are at home with their Daddy.”
“No, this is only about half of them.”
“Why do you ask?”
I think of all of the answers to the usual questions, asking “Why do you ask?” is one of my favorites. If you’re not feeling joyful that these parents before have children, then clearly you’re not “asking” a simple, friendly question. You are judging. You are probably even being rude. I don’t ask people with no children or with just one child why they don’t have more. I either see if there is some common ground we can converse on or I mind my own business. I don’t ask them if they would like some sex advice on how to make a baby or if they’ve been to a doctor to see if they can get fixed.
Does all of this mean that I am incredibly happy having so many children? Yes! Does it mean that my children are always perfect angels and I never have a bad day or an embarrassing family moment in public? Heck no! Being a mom of many is not easy. Being a mom of one can be a challenge! But just because I have a rough time of it, it doesn’t mean that I want advice on how to use birth control. It would be so much more fruitful to offer a hand or a “I have SO been there” nod or word of encouragement. That would really be more helpful than kicking me while I’m down. Don’t you think?
Have any great comebacks you use? Tired of hearing the same lines over and over and over and over….
Share it here!
I have four kids and while I have been lucky enough not to have any rude comments directed at us, we have gotten a lot of stares when all go somewhere. I am horrible at comebacks too so I probably just stare at them with my mouth open! I love big families and if I didn’t get so sick while pregnant and had more patience I would have had several more
“Boy, you have your hands full!” is met with a smile and the response, “Better full than empty!”
Or you could just smile brightly and say, “Oh, thank you! I feel so blessed!”
I think people are baffled because children are a “black hole for money” as many a parent has warned me (parents of kids who are about my age; 20s), and seeing as so many people are struggling even with *no* kids… sometimes *my* mind boggles at how two people could keep even one or two kids fed and clothed, let alone 4 or 5!
Where I spent my coming-of-age years, we had large Catholic and Mormon communities, so if a family had more than 4 kids, most people automatically would ask “Catholic of Mormon” because, to us, only religious zealots (fruitful and multiply!!!!!), or those forbidden by their faith to use contraceptives would have so many kids.
I think that, in this modern age of technology and readily-accessed information, people tend to view religion as nothing more than an outdated superstition (like how no one believes in leprechauns or feathered serpents, anymore) and equate faith with ignorance.
So when they see something like large families, which tend to be associated with religion, they jump to the (rather uncomplimentary) conclusion that you are an ignorant savage who believes in the supernatural.
Rather ethnocentric of the “enlightened” parties, really.
Being one of a set of twins, we did get a lot of comments and questions, but nothing related to religion or anything.
PS: My sister and I were home schooled, but it was because the local schools were just dreadful! What are your reasons? …I suppose I could just comb through your blog, but dialog is more fun.
PPS: Whenever people would comment about our mom having her hands full with a set of twins (which was an accurate statement!), she would often say that it meant she’s have more pack mules to carry groceries/do yard work/do the dishes, etc, in the future. Give that a whirl.